Chasing the self-motivated man

I've spent ample time over the last few weeks thinking about sources of motivation. Being closely connected to athletics, I find it amazing to watch a kid who is self-motivated.

I'm not that way, not really.

I've spent too much time focusing on being better than the next guy, and not enough time trying to be the best version of myself. And that's unfortunate, because those two things are rarely at the same level.

I'm a competitive person, by nature, and therein lies the reasoning for much of what I do. If somebody else plays a game well, I want to play it better. If someone else writes a story or wins an award, I want to write it better. I find myself wanting to sing better, to give gifts better.

For starters, it's a terribly selfish habit, but that's another blog post on humility. I know how I come off sometimes. It's coming.

The bottom line, though, is that I think I've forgotten how to compete with myself. My reason for pushing myself has been external — in my job, and in my personal life. It extends to music and relationships, and worms into my family relations, as well.

I think it's Envy-based, which is something I've written about before. Remember, self, thank the Lord for his blessings when Envy starts to creep in.

Being more grateful will be the first personal aspect, I think, and it's important to keep things in the right perspective. Our society looks at a self-motivated person as continually saying, 'I can, I can.' It should be more of an, 'I will.' One presents self-betterment as a possibility, and the other as a reality.

This upcoming holiday season is a big opportunity. It's a chance to be genuine, and I have a shot at examining what my goals are in how I relate to people. What matters more: my being better than the people I'm around, or that I do my best in whatever I do?

Should be an easy answer. I will.

Envy's hostile takeover

I've caught myself battling envy over the last few weeks.

And not wallowing or fixating on one certain subject, but noticing things here and there that others have, and wishing I had that same opportunity.

Wow, I wish I had an apartment like that. It'd be nice to get paid THAT much! I wonder what my life would be like with their schedule? I'd love to be in that good of shape.

It's somewhat fleeting, but the constant thoughts that parade through my head have begun to raise a few flags. As I see it, envy - which is to want for something that doesn't belong to you - is to throw our many blessings in God's face.

I have a good job that I enjoy. I have a comfortable place to live. I have my health (except my knees, they do not have my health), and I've been blessed with the ability to express myself with music. That's an awful lot, and it's only the beginning. It should have been the first thing on the list: I'm loved by the God of the universe.

That should trump everything else, and easily so. It's a sad realization of mine to discover how ungrateful I've been over the last few weeks, choosing to focus on the difficulties of life rather than to praise God for the ways I've been carried through the hard times.

Over the next few weeks, I'll make a concerted effort to remember and thank the Lord for a blessing of mine every time envy begins to creep back in. It won't just help my envious thoughts, it will direct my eyes upward and encourage me to dwell on the positive things.

I also hope to get back into writing, now that I've completed the move in to Scappoose. The office is just a mile away (instead of 40), and I'll have plenty of time to spare.

Grace and Peace.