Another exercise in trust

Things today have been a little turmoil-ish.

I found out that my Jetta, in which I survived an incident with a drunk driver about two weeks ago, is likely to be deemed a total loss. Because of the way the vehicle was set up, this leaves me with no debt and no payments, but also no car.

That's a little scary to me.

But I also discovered that it's likely I will get money for "pain and suffering" and I will have medical expenses covered to get my back looked at. This is good.

I just don't know where God takes me from here. There are a bunch of big question marks looming in the coming months that I have yet to answer, and as much as I like to take things as they come, there are certain securities I like to have settled — my vehicle being one of them.

It's another exercise in trust and faith, I suppose.

Many thanks in advance: the move

In the time between my last post and this one, my world has turned inside out -- kinda. A month from now, I'll be moving to Grants Pass to take a position at the Daily Courier, as most of my tiny blog-readership is already aware.

Change is difficult for me. I'm excited for the new possibilities that come from a larger town and a bigger newspaper. I'll get to cover seven high schools instead of two. I'll get to cover some collegiate athletics, including Oregon and Oregon State at times. Rent is cheap; the future is bright.

But something about all of this is still terrifying. I think it goes back to yearnings over the last several years for the chance to have God ask me to blindly jump into a new situation.

I know three people in Grants Pass/Medford, and one of them is my future editor. I don't make friends very easily, and usually prefer to hide away with Netflix, my cat and a bottle of wine. The prospect of having to find an apartment some 250 miles away and cultivate a new group of friends puts me on edge.

This is definitely a jump: find a home, find a church, find a new life. It's a fresh start, and one that God can dictate from the beginning.

Hopefully, I can look back at this post a year from now and write about how God stepped in and found me a place to live. I'll have a group of people I can trust and spend time with, and life will be peachy.

Experience should be enough proof, right? I found an apartment in Oregon City because I happened to look out the window on my way to work and discovered a perfect situation which hadn't ever been advertised on Craigslist. My place in Scappoose is close to my office, is cheap enough for me to afford and has been a good living situation.

For some reason, though, I still have anxiety about where I'll live. I've spent the last few days anxiously checking Craigslist, the local online classifieds and other apartment websites, desperate for a lead. Will I have a roommate? Will I have to live at the new office? How hard will it be to find a place for my cat?

I have to expect that God's answer will come in time. Maybe it'll come when I drive down in a few weeks to check things out again. Maybe it'll come after I've been living on somebody's couch for a month. But whatever happens -- and I need to work this into my fear-filled heart -- God will carry me through.

God's heavenly solutions

I had a moment like this today, minus the broom and the pink shirt.

Anyone who knows me well understands that I enjoy pushing the envelope from time to time, and I like getting under peoples skin and watching them react.

My bad habits as a columnist have caught the attention of angry parents or administrators from time to time, and in turn, my publisher. I've been called into the little conference room at our office on a number of occasions, and each one has been thrilling in it's own right.

Once, we discussed my accidental reference to an administrator's coworkers as "cronies." Later, we talked about how my coverage needed to be more comprehensive. A few months later, I was informed of a different administrator's attempt to ban me from campus and have me arrested -- for which we threatened a lawsuit.

The top such incident came after a column critical of game day operations that resulted in an irate parent emailing the CEO of our company, suggesting that I be reigned back to simply reporting box scores and occasionally using words like 'slam dunk,' and ended by saying, "I merely ask that your publication NEVER pay him for anything ever again."

Needless to say, my publisher threatened to fire me if I wrote about the cheer team again.

Also needless to say, when he asked me to step into the conference room with him today, which is more than a year removed from our last private visit, I was convinced  -- a little sarcastically -- that I was headed for joblessness.

I didn't get fired, I was given a raise.

Remember how I wrote a few weeks ago about clearing my head of earthly solutions and giving God room to work miracles?

Communion's questionable timidity

There's such thing as too much, but I think we're too timid as a Church.

I often ask myself this during church services -- and communion, especially.

Why are we so quiet and reserved? Why are we so timid? If we are celebrating the DEATH and RESURECTION of Jesus, why do we sit silently and think with our minds instead of jumping and shouting for joy?

I think some of this frustration comes from God beginning to change my heart and my walk from an intellectual one to an emotional one. Our relationship takes pondering and meditation, don't get me wrong, but how many times in the Bible did we see characters react to miracles by quietly bowing their heads and solemnly closing their eyes?

I've come to understand that -- and this seems a little obvious, at first -- Bible characters are just people. There's nothing special about Paul, other than his education and ability to teach. The apostles didn't have super powers. They're just some guys with God-given gifts.

Because they're people like us, they wade through the same issues. It takes a little time to build up trust. Even the Bible characters made bad choices early on. They had doubts, they struggled and they made mistakes. Thomas doubted Jesus' resurrection, and the disciples feared for their lives in the boat during the storm.

Look at Abraham, for example. Long before we read about his example of trusting God with the life of his son, we read about how he and Sarah decide to jump the gun and jump the rails of God's plan to make a nation of Abraham. Their impatience -- a lack of trust -- leads to some nasty family business, and it's only years later that Abraham has grown in faith to the point that he's able to trust God with the life of his promised and belove'ed son.

My point? Abraham was human.

So was David, and David praised God by singing and shouting and dancing -- sometimes clothed, and sometimes not. And while I won't condone worshiping in the nude, I think the important lesson to learn is that God is an EMOTIONAL being as well as an intellectual one, and I'm frustrated with how hard it is to let go and worship God in an emotional way.

I'm also not saying that communion should be replaced by jumping up on the table and acting like monkeys, but it'd be interesting to examine how we go about such a service. There's an element of self-reflection, but we can't forsake the jumping and leaping and praising God part of it, either.

The people in the bible were humans just like us, and they made mistakes, just like us. But if  they were human and they worshiped undeservedly, then why don't we?

Reflections on the faithfulness of God

This is my happy place, in my favorite corner with my headphones blaring weird music.

As has been typical over the last several weeks, a night off calls for hitting the road to St. Helens in search of inspiration, a green tea -- or should I say, iced grande, no-classic green iced tea -- and a quiet corner at the only Starbucks in Columbia County.

A quick glance at this afternoon's schedule immediately reminded me of my forming habit, one which has brought about several chances to jot down notes on how God is beginning to shape me a little at a time, and how I've grown over the last few years.

Normally, a thought will strike me early in the day before I get a chance to write. It generally comes to me as I'm showering before work, and I'm able to turn over the idea in my head for a few hours. Today, I came home from a brutally long stretch at the office with my fuzzy, over-worked brain a little burnt out. 

Maybe I would write about a thought I'd had last week contrasting redemption and salvation? Maybe I could finally complete a post I'd started around Easter about my frustrations surrounding exactly how conservative churches are. Maybe I could read back through old posts and wait for one idea to out-shine the others.

Being a little lazy and off my inspiration-game, I opted for the third path and perused the entries from my final few months at Starbucks and first few months working for the Spotlight, my current place of employment.

What I came across was fairly fascinating, and something I've seen from God in the very recent past. I documented financial struggles two years ago, and was able to look at how my reactions have changed when some tax issues hit me a few months back. It was a major testiment to God's work in my heart.

Two summers ago, I was in the midst of having been turned down for a job at my hometown newspaper, the Molalla Pioneer. Even at the time, I noted how I was able to handle the 'rejection' much better than expected, and I looked forward to other opportunities God would have for me. I was frustrated with Starbucks and felt like I was ready to move on to something new.

Sound familiar? I'm not sure how much I've actually captured here on this blog, but I feel some of that still. The job here in Scappoose has been a major blessing, but I'm somehow unable to shake the looking-for-something-bigger-and-better compulsion. It's interesting, though, that every time I've been turned down for a job, there's been something better waiting around the corner.

God kept me at Starbucks a little while longer until something opened up that I couldn't have imagined. It was one of those non-earthly solutions to a problem that I've been thinking about quite a lot over the last few weeks. Maybe the same thing is in store for me this time around.

For me, it's important  that I continue to throw my shoulder to the wheel, no matter where God has placed me. I'm not sure how long he has me in my current position, whether it be two months or two years.

At the end of the day, it helps to look back at my life and see the times that God has come through with the best possible solution for me. God doesn't change his character, and so I can trust that I will be well cared-for in the future.

In which, I make grown-up decisions

I woke up this morning with taxes on my mind, and the thought of exactly how hard the next few months might be. A few hours later, after paying more money than I'd like and pressing send, I collapsed at the foot of the bed, weighed down by the reality of the position I'm in.

I've written a few times in the last several months about an issue with my taxes costing me a fair amount of money, and a fair amount of money that I don't have. I'd done the math and in theory, it seemed like I would just scrape by. Today, I actually felt the pressure and wilted under it.

After some tearful moments of desperation, I asked God to clear my head of all the plans I'd made to stay afloat until next year's tax returns (as in, 2016) arrive. I'd come up with all sorts of ideas, things ranging from donating plasma or finding a roommate to finding a higher-paying job, but for those few minutes, all those things seemed worthless. I didn't want my earthly solutions.

I had a quick breakfast, and stepped into my daily thinking-place for a shower. Then a thought hit me.

I'd always heard about how the apostles celebrated in the hard times and during persecution, and while 1 Peter 12-14 doesn't relate perfectly to the words that popped into my head this morning, I have a better understanding for what it means to rejoice in tribulation.

The greater the challenge, the more I will have to praise God for once he's brought me through it.

Sure, I've painted myself into this corner, and I get that -- like Paul says in Galatians -- we aren't supposed to mess up in life simply so that more of God's grace is poured out. But at the same time, I find myself less filled with dread and more filled with excitement to see what plans and little miracles God has on the path ahead of me.

At the least, these next few months will teach me a great many things. It will teach me about how wasteful I've been, and how much I can afford to NOT have. It will also serve as a reminder that my money doesn't belong to me, and that any and everything I have comes from the Father.

I can't help but wonder if it all goes back to finally being willing and brave enough to ask God to take away the things I didn't need to serve him. It seems as though, and I've mentioned this before, there are a handful of puzzle pieces being amassed in my heart simply waiting for God to piece them together.

Here, there is more immediate evidence of the redemptive process. In the past, this post would have been filled with fear -- just as my terrified prayers were this morning. I've had plenty of blog posts similar to those few moments, but I find it incredible that I've grown enough to see things in a different light and see an opportunity for God to be glorified.

A look back at two years of progress

It's typical of me that I didn't realize it was Thursday until I'd finished writing.

When I started writing on this blog almost exactly two years ago, the original idea was to give myself a way to look back at the past and see God working in my life.

The first few posts were pretentious, at best. I think part of it might have been that I hadn't gotten into the routine of cutting needless information out of my writing, but it seems the very wording of the early topics is fluffy with the intent to deflect attention away from myself and my own issues.

They're filled with flowery language you might expect in some fancy bible commentary, and from my perspective, I did an awfully good job of pretending I was... something different. Take this next paragraph, for example, from the opening monologue:

"Now, that's not to say that we are not redeemed by Christ and signed by the blood of Jesus into the book of life, but though we are already saved, we are still surrounded by the sin we choose to participate in. The redemptive process, salvation, is nothing more or less than Christ's every day good work to make us more and more like the Father."

Uhm, what? Sure, I believe those words, but I feel like they were written by somebody else -- or at least with the intent to sound like somebody else. The next post, written about making plans without trusting God, is a little better, but there's still a strong sense of distance between myself and the reader. I offer two examples and analyze them as though I've come through hellfire and brimstone with some sort of higher knowledge, regardless of the fact that I was likely more mired in issues of trust than anyone who dared read my commentary.

It wasn't until a few weeks later that the current framework for the blog began to take place, beginning with a post about my thoughts, my fears and my concerns after finding out that I'd lost a job that was supposed to help pay for my newly leased apartment. Here, though it's brief and slightly isolated, I'm finally honest with myself. I finally capture something real: the fear surrounding where I would live and what I would eat.

That kind of fear has hit me several times over the last two years, including my first few weeks at my current job. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay for gas, and was living on two top ramen packets per day until my second paycheck arrived.

The fear hit once again when I was terrified that I'd managed to somehow strand myself in Finland without enough money to get home, and recently, fear arrived at my doorstep upon discovering that I was several thousand dollars in debt to the government after some mistakes on my taxes.

The Lord, faithful and true, took care of me and provided just enough to make it through having lost the job back in March of 2013. I got an unexpected care package of food from a family member that August to help me through those tough financial times, and God managed to barter down the price of a re-booking to get home from Finland so that I didn't have to borrow any money.

So as I struggle to wrap my mind around the next challenge, even after God blessed me a few weeks ago, I've never been more glad to have started this project and stuck with it, though spotty at times. If there's anything that I've learned through reading a few of the early posts, it's how God has developed a deeper honesty through my writing than I had before.

I'm better at threshing the wants from the needs, and I'm becoming a little bolder when asking for things. It's a process, and a slow one at that, but I feel as though God is setting pieces in place for a big move all at once.

Most of all, I see God's hand in all of this. It's an important reminder that God has taken care of me in the past -- and as God doesn't change, he will continue to care for my needs in the future.

Blessings and a financial crisis

I don't have much time, so I'll just leave this little post-it note:

About a month ago, I discovered some tax issues that will end up putting pressure on me financially. I reached out to a friend, who had one response: "Pray."

A month later, the Lord has given me plenty of reminders that He can, does and will continue to provide for my needs -- both financial and otherwise.

First came a freelance opportunity with the NWAC (you can read the results of my weekend), during which I got an email from the sports editor of the Eugene Register Guard asking about freelancing for the upcoming high school tournaments. I mentioned that I'd be back from the NWAC tournament in a few days, and I'd love to help out.

Then God opened another door: The timing worked out that I got to freelance a game at the NWAC tournament, and two more high school games when I returned. With the freelance money and an expense check from February around the corner, I was pretty blown away at the Lord's response.

Now my insurance is going down.

I think it's an important reminder that when we ask, the Lord loves us and cares for us in ways we can't possibly predict. I've noticed over the last few months there have been several things I've wanted and not received, but have only realized after the fact that I wanted but never asked.

Maybe it's a pride thing -- I feel like I should have to bother God about my personal wants and wishes, and would rather chase after them on my own. Maybe it's the opposite, that I don't feel qualified or worthy of asking for things.

Just remember this, John, the next time a door seemingly opens: You are blessed, you are blessed, you are blessed. There's no harm in talking about it with the One who loves you the most.

Psalm 32:7: God's my island hideaway

I'll be moving into the leftmost apartment in February, and I don't know how to feel.

I really don't like change. Even though I despise monotony, I don't do well transitioning from one thing to the next, at least as far as the buildup is concerned.

At the end of this month, I'll be moving to (relatively) far-away Scappoose. For the first time in my life, I'll live west of the Willamette river, and outside of the immediate Oregon City-Beavercreek area. I'll be further from my nearest friend's house than I've ever been, and more than 10 minutes away from my home church.

But it's not the distance that has me feeling... what ever this is. It's simply the fact that I have to leave a place that I've grown comfortable. My current apartment in the McLoughlin district of Oregon City was a gift and a blessing, and I've become attached, and though I don't move for a month, I've already become melancholy.

It's a frustrating emotion, honestly. By definition, melancholy doesn't really have a cause, at least one you can pin down - and I can identify with that. My sadness, though there is somewhat of a legitimate reason for it, is a little out of place. My excitement should be the right thing to feel, and yet the only thing in my heart is a gripping fear of the unknown.

Where does that come from? and more to the point, what causes my troubles with moving on?

Part of all that has to do with a yearn for comfort. One of the coaches I work with on a regular basis always tells me that a major part of his job is reconditioning the athletes to do what is right when they're pressured, not what's comfortable. It's human nature to chase comfort and security, and when we get into a difficult position, that is what we revert back to.

My apartment, as my personal space, became a safe place. It's somewhere I can relax and be myself. I can lay on the floor (as I did while working at Starbucks) after a long day at work, and I can dress how I like without fear of "judgement".

It took some time for it to really feel like home, but I was excited to move in to the new place. It represented freedom. It represented independence, and while this new move to Scappoose represents many of the same things, there is also loss involved.

As silly as it sounds, I can tie it to the feelings I remember from when I left my parent's house at the end of last summer. Oh, that I would have been writing back then. It was a sad - and slightly traumatic - experience for me, to leave the only home I had ever known and step out into the world. While I have a move or two under my belt, it's not all that much easier to pick up everything, uproot myself, and move across the metro area.

Maybe it's that I'm not looking forward to the hard work it is to pack things and move. I know I'm afraid to leave things behind, though I'll be back in town at least weekly. There's also some fear in there. Will I end up spending all my time home alone with my cat? Maybe. But more than anything else though this experience today, I've learned that I need to reexamine where I find my security.

Things change in life, that's a given. Jobs come and go, people drift in and out of life. The journey in this world has ups and downs, it's just the way things are. And because of that, we can't base our happiness, security or safe-place on something in this world.

I love The Message version of this, one of my favorite verses:

"God's my island hideaway, keeps danger far from shore, throws garlands of hosannas around my neck." -- Psalm 32:7

In which, I finally break the ice

I actively asked God for both of these things.

This won't be long, just a note to help me remember a victory I had earlier  this afternoon.

As I've mentioned before, I tend to do my best thinking in the shower. Today, I was detoxing from a grueling basketball game with a friend, and somewhere in the midst of washing my hair, I realized exactly how often I ask for prayer... and forget to pray myself.

It came up because I was deep in thought over a few potential meetings I have next week - namely Steve Brandon the Sports Editor of the Tribune, and Chad Doing, a popular sports talk radio host in Portland. It's a topic I'll discuss further - something that came from my JesusBux experience - but I'd reached out to both individuals with the intent of sitting down and gleaning a wealth of knowledge and advice.

In my excitement in planning the pair of ordeals, I had entirely forgotten to ask God's blessing. Usually, I would have allowed myself to tailspin and end up staying silent, but this was different. That ice broke, finally.

It's not a habit, yet, but I plan on making it one. An easy concept: SPEAK. Things will work themselves out from there. Silence doesn't to anyone any good.

In other news: I'm going to view a perfect little apartment on Sunday in Scappoose. I'll begin praying for  that... nnnnnnow.

Peace.

Finally, the Relationship Post

It's just as important to record the victories and lessons in live as it is the hard times. And it's not all the time (in fact, not often) that the hard times are big things. I've had some big things - my car, my house, my food.

Tonight, my melancholy mood has nothing to do with that. It's a matter of heart.

For those of you who know me well, you've heard the story of how I've entrusted my heart these past few years. It's a hard reality to look back and wonder whether to question my judgement, my trust in those around me, or my trust in my own heart, but now I'm at a funny crossroads.

I've made the choice to move past those things. They're behind me, and I've done my best to walk away and I'm ready to stop moving past and start moving on - I just struggle to know how.

A number of confusing thoughts have floated around my head for several months now. Can I trust myself to make a good choice in a relationship? Can I finally be at peace enough to step into something, should the opportunity present itself? Do I have a right to ask God for a relationship?

We'll start with the last one, as it's been the most prevalent as of late. The overwhelming worry is that I am somehow not ready - as in, not good enough yet - to ask for a relationship. Like I need to change first, or as though I have to be a better follower of Christ in order to 'deserve' such a blessing.

Some of the time, in my head, I know thoughts like that are fairly off base. I don't 'deserve' blessing at all, and there's nothing I can do to get there. My brain knows that, but my heart tends to forget. Right now, and fairly often, it's the heart that takes over and the tiny little voice in my head throws up it's hands (cause voices have hands) and wails in despair that it will never be good enough, or that I've wasted my time and the right person is past me.

It becomes more and more difficult to look at the people around me and watch as they happily pair up and get married. A number of close friends, many of whom I've been close with for several years, have gone that route, and I'm left feeling stagnant and guilty.

Guilty. It doesn't really make sense, right? I feel guilty for WANTING something so good. It's different than when I've discussed the topic before - not feeling good enough to ask God for things. This time, I feel badly because somewhere in my head, I feel as though asking God for a relationship is like saying He isn't enough relationship for me.

I wrestle with that almost daily. If God made me, it was He that instilled in me the heart for love, relationships, marriage, children... so I feel God's intent, and yet am overcome by the fear that it is somehow not right for me to want or ask for something that - as it appears - God made me for.

Maybe it's impatience, maybe change is just around the corner, but what I do know is that it's ok to ask. It's a habit that I need to get in to regardless of how I feel, and I need to break the foolish habit of feeling as though I need to change before asking God for things.

Help me with this, friends.

The Big and Little

The shower is most often the place I do my best thinking. I swear, if I lived in that thing I'd be famous for my steely intellect and wisely worded memes, but there's a wrench in the setup - I do my writing at night.

So when I had a rather lovely discussion this morning with myself over the topic of asking for things (a re-hashing of my last post), I was worried I might forget everything I'd drummed up whilst under the water. Thankfully, the main point stuck with me.

Over the last few weeks, I've expressed some frustration about getting things. First, it was frustration surrounding my driving situation - my car died, and I needed a way to commute to work. Then it died again, and I wondered how I would be cared for, and lastly I summed up some thoughts around the idea that I am made worthy of God's presence and ear because of Christ's sacrifice.

This morning, though, I realized all that might have been avoided. The thought came up because of a different issue - one having to do with relationships - but it's applicable across the board: if you have a need, ASK.

Simple right? Yep. Well, in theory, but I don't for some reason. Part of it, as I've discussed previously, has to do with the lie that I'm not good enough to find the Lord's favor, but there's got to be something else.

"Naw, I don't NEED that," I tell myself. "I won't bother God with that, there are bigger things to deal with."

And while I see some validity to that (please help me decide which tooth to brush first), the idea of prayer without ceasing argues to the contrary, doesn't it? We're supposed to cast our cares and worries on him, and nowhere in that passage does it say cast the IMPORTANT cares on the Lord, and leave the little things to yourself.

I now have one of these, her name is Ava.

The problem seems to be that I don't believe Jesus when he says how watches over us. He tells us that he notices when the sparrow falls from the nest - how much more does he care for us? Toothpaste is fairly inconsequential, but many of the little things God actively wants to hear about. Even if it's not an actual request, having the conversation (communication is part of a basic friendship) is essential.
Lord, my day hasn't gone well so far. I need help to get through traffic today. Boy, that sunshine is beautiful, thank you for creating that. Make me a blessing today, in the little ways.

All those things seem fairly mundane, and by themselves they are. An honest, early-morning complaint. A request for patience in traffic and a thankful observance of a created thing - those are small, but put together and they start to carry weight. Once you get used to all the little things, it becomes FAR easier to ask for the big things.

It's about building the connection with something simple, so that when a difficult situation comes along, the Lord's help is the first place you turn. I've been better as of late about the little things, but I suppose I still need practice. As the last few weeks have shown, I still freak out for a while before settling down and turning to God as I should have to begin with.

And look how the Lord has responded! A job, a lovely apartment, another (dream) job, a helping hand and a new car to get me from place to place. What providence! Now it's my turn.

The Poison-lips of Satan

Most people are under the impression that sin didn't exist before the fall. I disagree.

Sin, which is a "transgression against divine law," didn't simply come in to being when Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit. The concept is a little older than that. Satan sinned against God, as did half the angels.

"Fig leaves to hide from God, seems legit..."

Now what, then, did the fall change? As I see it, it was the introduction of guilt. and not guilt in that "you committed this act, therefore you are guilty," but guilt as it pertains to shame surrounding something you've done. I'd be willing to bet that the evil one isn't ashamed of his actions, but Adam and Eve showed they definitely were by attempting to hide from the Lord in the garden.

And as often as I look at their example and chuckle, I do the exact same thing. I have quite a few needs in life, as I've mentioned in the last few postings. I've had a fair amount of thought on why it is that I hesitate to ask the Lord's help in these things until the last minute, and I think I've settled on a few culprits.

I'm guilty. Yes, I know we all are, but I'm guilty. I feel that guilt, I'm ashamed. The weight of my past sins and current struggles weighs on me when I come before God to ask for help with my food, or my transportation, or my job.

Seconds before I pray, I think "I'm in no place to ask for anything, just look at what I did today."

It happens all the time, now that I'm conscious of it, and it's no different than how Adam and Eve tried to hide in the garden and covered themselves with fig leaves. I'm too ashamed to ask anything of the Lord because I don't perceive myself as worthy, and in some respects, I'm right to think so. As a broken vessel, I'm not worthy. I'm a sinful creature by nature, and I am no more worthy to step into God's presence as I am to tie the sandals on Jesus' feet.

But here's where I'm dead wrong. It's not ME that matters in this equation, and how selfish of me to think so. My perception is that I'm somehow in control of whether God will listen to my plea, and that isn't at all the case.

Consider this basic principle:

Jesus said that He is the way, the truth and the life. He said that no one can get to the Father except through him, and as a believer and a disciple of Christ, I have access to the Father because of the BLOOD of JESUS and not my actions. As such, my sinful nature, which is covered up by said blood, isn't enough to make me unworthy to bring my fears and concerns before the Lord.

Where does such an idea come from? What a poison! The power to convince me that I am too sinful, too broken or too lowly to converse with a God who even now expresses his (literal) undying and unbounded love for me -- it can only come from the mouth of the devil.

I cast you OUT, you poisoned-lips! You no longer have my ear, I am made worthy because of the cleansing blood of Jesus, and that is something you cannot take from me.

Lord, help me to remember this lesson. 

Calming the Storm

I tend to worry quite a bit. The focus of that worry changes from time to time, but it's the same basic idea: my welfare. Where will I work, where will I live, what will I eat... what will I drive?

I've thought all of these things over the last year or so, and I'm slightly at a loss for what to do with them. It's natural, in many ways, to act like that. The disciples, for example, continually freaked out and looked for earthly solutions to their problems. When the 5,000 were hungry, they considered sending them to the town for food, but Jesus had other ideas. When they were caught up in the storm, they tried bailing the boat before simply giving up and waiting to die, but Jesus had better ideas.

And when Jesus was killed, the disciples ran and hid, but Jesus had something else up his sleeve.

In each of these instances, the disciples did exactly as I do - worry about their basic needs, and blow them out of proportion. The people are going to starve! We're all gonna drown! Jesus is dead, we're sitting ducks!

So yeah, it's a human thing to do. What I wrestle with is the balance between faith and ACTING on faith. I need things in life. I need a roof over my head, I need food to eat. To get those things I need a job, and to hold a job I need a car.

Here's the difficult part. By the grace of God, I've had a car to drive over these past few weeks, but that term is almost over. Now, do I sit and wait for another gift? Or do I run out and fight for something new?

The first option of being faithfully patient I often dismiss as being lazy. It's the idea of the man who is stranded on top of his house by flood waters and dies because he refuses to see that God sent a boat and a helicopter to safe him. I tend to see it as looking for a handout. I'm gonna lay here until somebody drops food into my mouth because I'm "trusting God" with my needs.

Running and fighting are equally taboo. Aren't we supposed to trust God with our needs? I'm reminded of the story of the two women, when one was content to sit at the feet of Jesus and learn, while the other rushed around preparing a meal. Even though she was working hard for the purpose of something good - making food for Jesus - she would have been better served (hah) to be at His feet. Even in the story of the disciples on the boat, Jesus rebukes them because they didn't simply trust that their safety was in the hands of the Almighty.

That's why I struggle with this idea. I see value in both schools of thought, and I see detriment in both schools of thought. Finding a good balance between the two is really hard for me. I look in to my (recent) past and see evidence of God's providence and trust that He will, in the end, provide for my needs. I know that. I just don't know how much of that journey I am supposed to shoulder.

Romans 8:28 - Blessings in Disguise

I never have been one to take a bright and cheery outlook on things. And it's not saying I shun optimism, it's simply the way my brain works.

I'm in store for another blessing in disguise.

My car died today. Again. Last week, the starter motor kicked the can, and this time, the rest of the car decided to call it quits on the way to church. On the way to CHURCH. I mean, come on, it's a good cause, right? And as I sat there amidst the angry motorists in the middle of the intersection, the words "Lord, please help my car work - I need to get to worship" were on repeat in my head.

It's been that way for a few weeks now. Lord, I need to get to work. Lord, I just need to get home, help me to get that far. Carry my car to that gas station down the road, I know they close in 10 minutes. THANK you JESUS *with a hand on the roof* for turning the motor over, for giving me a little extra fuel, for being my tailwind.

Now, I'm in a weird place. Part of me knows and understands the power of prayer. Obviously, it works and I've been blessed these past few weeks. The last time Samson (my car) died, it was in the parking lot of a dealership filled with ex-volvo employees who gathered around to help me out, gave me a killer deal, and had me back on the road the very next day. Last night, Samson sputtered into a gas station at 12:50 a.m., 10 miles from the next station with absolutely nothing in between.

But this morning, he died in an intersection on the way to church, and I'm conflicted. Even though I have experienced God's blessing first hand, I'm still disheartened. Not in the same way as when I lost Chester, my volvo sedan, but I still feel loss, regardless of whether Samson is fixed or not.

I also question why my "help me get to worship, Lord" prayer wasn't answered this time. A lesson in humility, maybe? I already drive a shuddering, smoking, gutless vehicle. I'm not particularly proud of it (sorry, Samson), so I wonder what there is to learn from this.

The only thing I have right now, I suppose, is a look at the past few years. I can't see a solution to this problem. I can throw myself at different ideas, but I have no way of knowing how they'll pan out. I know I need guidance, but the biggest thing here is faith.

Chester, my beloved, in front of my first apartment.

I look back at the things I've lost recently, and though they might have seemed difficult to stomach at the time, I can see the hand of God in hindsight. Moving out of my parent's house forced me on my feet. Losing the job at Haggen - I was laid off, mind you - opened up a position at Starbucks, where I met countless people and made some excellent friends. Starbucks, in turn, led to my driving past 1202 Jackson St., and when a sign went up in the window advertising it as available, I was blessed to snap it up.

The big one, though, was losing the contract with the NWAACC. Less than a week after moving in to my new apartment, I got a call from the league's executive director. They had made less money than expected at the basketball tournament, he said, and could no longer afford my position. As I wrote in a blog post at the time, I was devastated. How would I pay for gas? Rent? Food?

As it turns out, however, the vacancy on the writing side of my life couldn't have gone any better. A few weeks later, I ran in to an old teacher of mine, and the conversation led to my applying for a position at the Molalla Pioneer. That, in turn, got me an interview with the Spotlight, where I currently hold the Sports Editor position.

"See, John? See?" says the Lord. "Look how I care for you. Notice how I bless you in times of trial, take to heart that I am working in all things."

Alright. I will. Give me faith, Lord, to follow your lead in whatever bless'ed direction this takes me. Make me humble, and comfort me in my fear and sadness. Help me believe and wait on your blessing, and gift me with the patience to trust in your understanding of my future. And in all things, fill my heart with peace that I may forge ahead in confidence for your glory.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

Earth Downs: How hard I fight

Lately, the strongest thought on my heart has been my constant battle against sin. It seems like every moment is spent thinking about how to battle the next temptation or how to rid my daily life of things that can drag me down. I pour energy into walking a spiritual tightrope, as though to reach the other side unscathed.

What I wonder is this: Is that fight a lack of trust in God? Let me break that down.

For years, and much more consciously over the last few months, sin has been a struggle. When one thing appears conquered, another springs up to take it's place. The arrows of the evil one come from every direction, and no matter what defense I put up, no matter how hard I fight,  they eventually break me down. That's the thing, though. What defense *I* put up. How hard *I* fight. Where is God in this? Are my personal battles evidence that I don't put trust in God to carry me through trials and temptations? Should I have to frantically cry for a savior every time the enemy approaches me?

All those things can be addressed in one swoop. Why not, as I have talked about in previous posts, make every attempt to fill my heart with love for the Lord? When I push and fight sin out of my life, all it does is create a vacuum  that has to be filled with SOMEthing. More often than not that space is filled with more of what I just finished clearing out. If I work to fill my heart, mind and soul with Christ, then there is no room for anything else!

The concept is simple. The application is simple. The first steps are usually simple. The hard part is the follow through. For those friends that read and support me in the redemptive process, feel free to check in - both to share your own experiences, and to hold my feet to the fire in my quest.

Proverbs 16:3 - Hiding from Omnipotence

Not much relevancy. Just... beard.

At church this morning, the preacher had an interesting point that I want to stick with me. He said that, should we wonder whether something is within God's will, see if we are comfortable asking for God's blessing. Obviously that doesn't always work, but it does force us to take the second and consider the motivations and consequences of things.

It's like asking permission from your parents to do something. If you feel like you have to change and twist the story of what you're about to do in order to make it sound ok and get approved, odds are you probably shouldn't be doing it. Or at least you'll get in trouble when you're found out.

Things work in a similar fashion with God. It's an extreme, but saying "Lord, please bless this robbery I'm about to attempt. May I not get shot and may I get away with loads of cash" makes so little sense it's ridiculous to ask. Instead, we ask God to provide money for us and just so happen to leave out that we plan on robbing the bank on the way home from church.

How to fix  that, then? It's our nature to hide our wrongdoings from God. Look at Adam and Eve - they ran and hid from God after they had sinned. Whether it's out of embarrassment or fear, we all do it. What is it that I need to change in order to reverse that habit?

I haven't put a whole lot of thought into the matter as of yet (part of my movement to blog in the moment), but initially, I think it's part of the sanctification process and an issue of trust. Hiding anything from anyone nearly always means that we're afraid of the reaction. Hiding a broken toy from mamma, concealing a stain in the carpet in a new apartment, hiding a little extra weight behind loose fitting clothing: it's all because the reaction might not be something we want.

Joseph followed after God, and he was made successful,
to God's glory. Also, his family kinda sucked.

It makes a little more sense to do that between humans, because not all humans are the same. They judge, they're unpredictable, some of us are downright mean spirited.

But God isn't.

The broken toy would get a timeout. The stain on the carpet would take money out of the security deposit, and the imperfect body depends on the person, but God isn't that way. Yes, there are consequences for our sins and our habits, but that doesn't change the fact that God LOVES us. That, coupled with the fact that God knows what we've done, what we continue to do, and where our hearts lie, takes away any and all reasons for dishonesty with God.

We'll have to deal with the consequences of what we do in this world, but being honest with God throughout the day and night, in constant conversation, goes a long ways toward preventing those mistakes that make us want to hide. In time, transparency (our mindset, at least) becomes the new norm, the new habit.

Today's life verse sums it up better than I could. Proverbs 16:3 says that if we put God in our heart and consult him on our plans, then our plans will be blessed. I'll most likely revisit this subject again, but for now I'll take this and treasure it:

"Turn to the Lord for help in everything you do, and you will be successful." - Proverbs 16:3 (ETRV)

Psalm 6:8 - The Voice of My Weeping

They had to cage me to shave me. That was definitely a low point.

I find it all to easy to ignore the issues that I struggle with or the problems that I've waded through and simply put them in a little box that has "solved" scribbled on the side. That is particularly easy because it's much more pleasant to remember the highs and the victories than it is to recall the low points that made each victory so sweet.

That means that I'll have to work at blogging in the present. Sure, it's good to look into the past, but it's also important to capture the feeling of the moment, as David often does in psalms. Some of the verses are nakedly honest, showing David's entire thought process.

Take Psalm 6, for example. David lays his heart out, displaying his fears, his tears, and his shortcomings. Then, as David often does, He turns his eyes to the Lord and takes hope. What an incredible example! It's ok to be bare-bones honest with God, He already knows your thoughts!

This honesty is definitely something that needs work in me, and there is no better time to start than the present.

About a month ago, basketball season was finishing for the athletic league that I worked for. Spring sports were on their way, and I was looking forward to another season, as well as a comfortable raise. I finally made a move on a precious little apartment. I'd be living cheaply, but it was something I could afford. Then, two days after signing the agreement, I was informed that my contract had run out two weeks previously, and that because of some serious money shortfalls, the league couldn't afford to keep me.

Much better.

I'm at work at my coffee shop with four hours left on my shift, I've lost my job and a major portion of my income, and I have an apartment I can't afford. It wasn't panic (close, but not quite) that set in, it was a deep and gripping fear and hints of doubt. Why would God give me a job and give me a raise, find me an apartment and then take it all away in an instant? Where would I live? What would I eat? I asked for nothing more than to finish my shift before I fell apart.

And not an hour later, I got my answer. A woman came up to the counter and, after taking her order, handed me a business card and told me to give her a call, that they might have a job in marketing and social media. I was speechless. I haven't called yet (I plan to), but I learned something invaluable that day. It's just as I posted on Facebook shortly after getting that fateful call: when the good Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

What I'll take with me from that experience is this: Just like when Abram moved everything he owned far away from the home that he knew for a reason he didn't know, trusting that God would provide for him, when the Lord tell me to jump, I have to trust that His hands will be there to catch me. That is even if and especially if the landing isn't clear.

"Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; the Lord hath heard the voice of my weeping." - Psalm 6:8

Proverbs 13:4 - The Soul of the Sluggard

Over the past several months, I've been wrestling with exactly HOW to trust God with things. Especially ever since I moved out of my parent's house, I've had to plan ahead for things, as my safety net wasn't quite the same as it always was. The thought that I struggled and struggle with, is how to trust while still planning for the future.

To illustrate this, I'll paint two extremes. The first is of a man who does absolutely nothing for himself and instead simply waits to be spoon fed. He doesn't look for a job. He just sits around thinking about jobs and praying for jobs, but doesn't bother to get up and submit any applications. Instead of going out and buying food, he waits for the neighbors down the street to come to his door and let him know that they were very sorry to bother him, but they bought more melons than their fridge could hold, and they needed to give one away. That's one side.

The other side is one that I think we (mostly me) fall in to. It's so easy to get in a rhythm of doing everything yourself that you forget to even bring God into the conversation. I do this all the time, spending hours perusing craigslist for things I am in desperate need of (examples: car, housing) and leave prayer on the back burner.

That is, until "desperate need" turns into me wringing my hands and worrying that I'll somehow be left penniless on the street. At that point, God becomes and option, and then comes the simple, honest and humble prayer of "Lord, I need this." and, no surprise, the Lord provides. I have a car, a home and a job and it is so obvious in hindsight (see my previous blog post on the subject) that I am blessed beyond belief, but how do I hold on to that in times of need?

The trouble is in finding a balance of those two extremes. Most of you have heard the joke in which there is a man trapped on the roof of his house with flood waters rising. He turns down a boat and a helicopter, would be rescuers, with the words "God will provide" and ends up drowning because he couldn't recognize the proverbial life raft that was being thrown to him.

Joseph: Pioneering
tie dye since 2000 BC.

I think that the best example of how to trust God with our well being is to look at Joseph's life. In spite of the troubles he faced, Joseph threw his shoulder to the wheel and put his heart into each opportunity that the Lord presented him with, and was blessed with success because of his hard work. He also had a heart for the Lord, and because of that, didn't have to worry about what was behind the bend, how he was going to move up in live, or where he was going to be placed, but instead did the absolute best with what he was given.

How then does that translate to me? In those desperately honest times, I've learned that God will come through at the right time, whether I think it's the right time or not. How much better off would I have been had I prayed like that from the beginning and continued about the same process with a watchful eye out for miracles and faith that I would be pointed in the right direction?

To have it written out nice and simply, (otherwise I'll have trouble remembering it) there are five things I need to continually practice. Firstly, being in constant conversation with God. That means that each care, each need and each worry, even though he knows them already, is passed to God's listening ear without bouncing around in my head. Secondly, working hard and being vigilant for opportunities that we are to be presented, as well as faith in God's faithfulness. Lastly, we (meaning me) should be constantly praising the Lord for the blessings of the past, the blessings he continues to bestow on us and the blessings that we will receive in the future because of his love and good grace.

"The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." - Proverbs 13:4