Saturday, June 15, 2013

Matthew 6:25 - The Quandary of the Ill at Ease

Doesn't entirely apply to me, I just like the newspaper-lady.
As long as I have been conscious of such things, I have struggled with body image. Even as far back as the fourth grade, when our class went to the community pool in Canby, I was overly self aware. That's age nine - I've had 13 years during which to simmer on the subject.

To put it quite simply, I never see my body as being good enough. This part is too round, this bit jiggles too much, this isn't quite the right length... and ever since then, I've looked at others around me with jealousy. Why were THEY gifted with a faster metabolism? or a stronger drive to keep themselves in perfect shape? Or athletic ability at a younger age?

I actually grew the beard to hide the chin,
but came to love it all on it's own. :)
Then I went through a major transformation during my senior year. I lost a lot of weight and grew an inch or two, ending my high school career on a physical high note. Unfortunately, that added something new to my psychological issues - amidst all of the silent self-deprecation, there now is pride. Now, it's a constant comparison on both sides of the spectrum. A sneer for one person, and a jealous glare for the next.

I've thought this topic over for years, and I come up with the usual things. Oh, you look just fine. Oh, God made you that way and blessed you with the way you are, why throw that away? Oh, the way your body looks doesn't matter in the end, it's the heart. Oh, just stop complaining - there are worse things than having a little extra weight. Oh, yes. Yes, I've heard it all.

And every time I see one of those little images all over facebook that talk about how YOU have the POWER to be anything you WANT, YOU are BEAUTIFUL for who you ARE, YOU don't have to be any DIFFERENT... I see those and fume, because either they're worthless, or I'm worthless at them.

And at this point, I'm somewhat at a loss. I don't need people's compliments - that just feeds the ego side. I don't need people's weight loss tips - that's like asking a fat lady how many months along she is. I need to fix my psyche somehow, and that's not something that can be done by changing my body. That's much more difficult. It's not just about thinking positive thoughts, there are wounds to heal - both from others and myself.

For now, I suppose, I'll take this verse home and to bed, but I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat and drink, nor about your body, what you put on. Is life not more important than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25


  1. Ive always been a big girl. My body was Made to be curvy, but it wasnt always like that. Middle school was hell because i was Fat with no curves and no breasts. I always had my hair short and my cheeks were so chubby that my family Continues to refer to those 3 years as my "Fat Asian Boy Stage". Thought i dont openly admit it, i hated those years. I didnt have many friends, so seeing all the skinny girls made me angry at them because they were so good looking. My bestfriend Maddison wasnt skinny, but she was also significantly less than i was. When she called herself fat, i would think "If i was her weight, i could manage that!!". But i was me.

    In highschool, i blossomed over the summer. I developed DD breasts, grew at least 4 or 5 inches, and the weight distributed evenly over my curves and hips. During afterschool drama, i took Pride in doing the costume messurments because Yes, it was ME with the 42 inch rack, 36 inch waist, and 40 inch hips. That was Me. And when i saw all the other larger women, i would think to myself "Look at me! im still large but im beautiful and you look just like a blob", or see the skinny girls and wonder what life would be like if my boyfriend could carry me around on his back and hate them for being so damn short and pixie and light.

    I learned that instead of worrying about other people, whether it was hating them for being born so tiny and being with the cute guy or looking down at other bigger women, i decided to worry about myself. I shouldnt feel obligated to be a curtain weight or body shape. the word is Obligated. If i WANT to strive to be 120 pounds wet, i guess i have alot to do. Thankfully i dont. My goal is 170. With my body figure, that is Pretty Damn Sexy. Super model sexy. I have some work to do and need to treat my body better. But if i was happy at the size i am, more power to me! You should love your body and treasure it and if you dont like something? change it. Get on a treadmill and eat a carrot or something! Dont worry about the people around you. Put on some blinders because they are Not You. They are them.

    Thats what really helped me with my Pride-Envy problem. Focusing on my body and what i wanted with it (safely, of course).

  2. Thanks so much for your thoughts, Rachele! It's definitely great to hear from others who have/still struggle with body image, especially those who have achieved victories such as yourself!