A Clean Heart

It wasn't Eagle Fern, but it felt a bit like it.

Being restless is something I've struggled with for many years. It seems to fly in the face of my parallel laziness, and in spite of possessing an inability to pull myself off the couch or out of the office, it can be overpowering, this feeling of wanderlust an a desire to simply... go.

I feel it when I look at the sunset's path across the ocean waves, and it creeps up on me when I step into the woods. And so, though I recognize the very real risk I might leave and never come back, I wander into the wilderness from time to time, simply to give my mind a place to explore.

That's the position I found myself in earlier this evening: sitting behind a desk and hiding from the outdoors, hoping to bury my thoughts behind Netflix, Tumblr and high-fructose corn syrup. Eventually I'd had enough, and headed to the hills, looking for solace.

I aimed for a little park about 15 miles outside of my town, one of the few where I hoped I could find a trail to tread and some place new to lose myself in. About halfway there, I settled on a wide spot in the side of the road that had a narrow pathway down to the riverbank.

It was quiet down there, other than the whine of mosquitoes, the babble of water over mossy river stones and the occasional hum of a car speeding past overhead. I took off my shoes and stepped, stone by stone, across the creek in search of a seat on which I could spend some time in thought.

It's strange, how I run out of town simply for a chance to think of the problems I've left behind. This time was no different - I settled on the topic of my last blog post. Why do I so strongly seek the approval of others while putting God on the back burner? Is that something I can change? On my own?

I wrestled with that. It's been a theme of the last few years: "Lord, give me a stronger desire to follow you. Lord, take away the desire for sinful things. Lord, take my priorities and align them with yours."

Underlying all these thoughts is another commonality: I'm not always sure if my heart is behind the things I ask for, and I'll add the request to take the thoughts and plant seeds in my heart. I think I know what is best, and I know that being closer to the Lord is the best thing for me regardless of the sin-haze I see life through.

I just don't know how to get from wanting to want it, to wanting it, to having it.

As I thought while sitting on that boulder in the middle of the stream earlier this evening, I think I finally understand where David was when he wrote asking God to create a clean heart, and renew a right spirit in him.

Maybe I can't change my heart. I know I can't cleanse it, certainly. For the next few days and weeks, though, I'll include David's prayer in my thoughts.

I like the New Living Translation the best here for Psalm 51:10 -

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit in me."

Seeking Affirmation

If you don't get the connection, youtube "validation" and you'll understand.

I got the chance to visit Bridgetown church last weekend, something I'd been planning to do for quite some time, and it gave me something juicy to meditate on this week.

The teacher -- and I can't for the life of me remember his name, it just wasn't John Mark -- talked about Peter's showdown in the garden when Jesus was arrested. He cut off a servant's ear in a display of emotion, aggression and fear, leading Jesus to heal the ear and berate Peter for acting with violence.

The talk turned to a dissection of Peter's motivations: earlier in the evening, he had been told he would deny Christ three times and he had been told that Judas would betray Jesus to the religious leaders. He was a mixture of feelings at the time. Angry at Judas for his betrayal, afraid that Jesus was being arrested and would be leaving them for a time, hurt that Jesus had predicted his denial and embarrassed that Jesus knew his true heart.

All of those things boil over when he draws his sword, and I think - and these are also the words of Sunday's teacher - he was motivated out of a want to prove his loyalty. It was slightly futile, as his actions went against Jesus' peaceful message, but it does serve as a thought provoking story.

How am I motivated? Many of my habits and motivations are pretty basic. I just want to be happy, and I'm afraid of not being happy and so I do things and act a certain way to be sure that happens.

For the moment, I'll focus on one: the want to be accepted. Broken down, it falls into the happiness category. It goes along with being respected and admired and looked up to - I just want to be liked, doesn't everybody?

Yes. I'd contend yes (except Steve), but the way we go about it varies, with varied results. I've noticed over the past few months that I tend to chase affirmation. Regardless of the sarcastic response they usually get from me, I like awards. I like complements, I like people reaching out to me and wanting to be friends. All those things are validating, they make you relevant and help you to know you're doing something right.

Those wants and desires seem to be built in to us humans (again, except Steve). Even the youngest kids -- my growing bunch of nieces and nephews for example -- like to show their parents the things they're proud of. Whether it's a simply crafted drawing (LOOK! He drew a basketball with LINES, says mommy) or a pile of sticks, the appetite to have our actions affirmed as impressive or desirable drives us at all stages of life. In kindergarten it's the finger painting on the refrigerator. In middle school it might be wearing a cool new back back to class, and in high school its flirting with the cute girl in math class.

On the surface, those things aren't harmful, but when we let our lives begin to form around the affirmation from our fellow humans, that's when the train comes off the tracks. The reason, I think, we were born with such a desire is that we are supposed to crave the affirmation of our Creator. What validation is stronger? What complement is higher? None.

It all goes back to the camp song we used to sing as kids that was taken from Matthew 25:21:

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"

Or as we sang it, "My good and faithful oooonneeeeee, weeeelll DONE MAHN."

Repentance and easy distractions

I've tried to set aside some time in the last few days and the next few days going forward for some reflection and alone-time, hoping to sort out some troubling thoughts I've been wrestling with. It's been good, I think, to step away from the hum-drum for a little while and allow myself to look at the way I think and act.

One revelation I had last night is that the ability to make us think we're too far gone to be worth saving is one of the enemy's most powerful tools. Feeling worthless and broken leads to despair, at which point you give up and refuse to seek redemption.

That's something that I struggle to overcome at times. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, and I often think that either I don't deserve good things or I'm too deep for repentance to actually do any good. The second one, especially, is a lie. It preys on our pride, ironically, and tells us that if we can't turn things around on our own, we might as well throw up our hands and give in.

That discounts -- which is a brash euphemism -- the work that God does in our hearts. Repentance is basically saying that we are willing to turn from our ways, and asking God to help us walk. He might not fix every single facet of our messed up situations, but He will guide us to a place of peace amidst the consequences of our actions. 

On that note, I've also discovered that I seem to lack as strong of an understanding of the concept of consequences as I should. It's been interesting watching my sister Anna teach her children about how they have to account for their actions, and it will be equally as interesting to watch them grow and see how their learning effects them down the road.

My response when something bad happens is typically to bury my head in the sand and pretend that nothing has gone wrong. Not only does that rarely work, it leaves the issues for me to clean up down the road. No wonder, now that I reflect on it, that there tend to be times in my life that everything comes crashing down at once!

The last thing is that the evil one does a fantastic job of distracting us from the path God wants us to be on (as the phone buzzes and I pause before putting it back down.) There is something good and healing planned for me over these next few days, and the enemy has worked hard to get me facing the other direction -- even if that other direction is harmless.

Two quick thoughts I'll think on this afternoon before rodeo coverage: How can I begin to realize consequences BEFORE I get into trouble, and what is something I can repent of today?

Christ glorifying, Christ centered

It's been a long, long while, but I've had thoughts parading through my head over the last few weeks and I wanted to get them down where I could easily refer back in times of need.

A few days ago, I witnessed the wedding of two friends. The most striking thing about the union was that it seemed to truly reflect the idea of a girl being so hidden in Christ that a man would have to seek Christ in order to find her. The most attractive thing about her husband, she wrote in a letter that was read to the wedding guests, was his love for Jesus.

Normally, the skeptic in me would wave off such a statement. Really? Not the eyes or the laugh? Not the arms, or...  (I'm picking general qualities out of a hat here).

But this time, I believed it. And I think that kind of relationship is something to pursue, not just in a romantic sense, but between all friends who call one another brothers and sisters in Christ. The pair who wed a few days back were centered and anchored in the Lord, and their relationship stemmed from their connection on that common ground.

I don't really have thoughts at this point as to how I should chase after that ideal, I simply wanted to vocalize (web-ize?) the wonderful example I'd seen. Our relationships should be Christ-glorifying and Christ-centered, with our walks with God being the most important and highest priority we see in the other person.

One last note - blogging is good for me. I need more of it. Moar. MOAR.

The 12-step process: Honesty

When I started my journey through the 12 steps of recovery from sin a week ago, I think I undersold the first step a little more than I meant to. This afternoon as I sat down at Starbucks with a few hours to kill and mind set on tacking the second step, but I'm beginning to realize that there's a lot more depth to do with honesty than two short paragraphs can cover.

I made a concerted effort to be forthcoming about a sin of mine to Alexis my girlfriend this week, and that was a great stride. Awesome. Yes. More of that transparency will do me good and it builds a foundation on which she and I (or any of my other friends and I) can communicate with trust.

What I struggle with, though, is exactly why honesty is so difficult.

Initially, I blamed it on my vanity. I know that I struggle with self image and self esteem, and an easy way for me to feel accepted or impressive (at least in my own eyes) is to hide the bad-spots in my life. If I ignore those things and hide them from others, I think, perhaps they'll see me in a better light.

And for quite a long time, I haven't really seen omission as dishonesty. Is it really lying if you simply leave out bits and pieces of yourself? Nobody needs to hear those things, right? In some ways, that's correct. I don't think I need to go about spilling my deep dark secrets to the whole world, but if I'm living in a way that makes me uncomfortable with a transparent life, something is wrong. You can sin both by COMmission and by OMission. It's the same thing, because they're both methods of twisting the truth.

In either case, it's my living in sin and my shame that keeps me from being honest about how I live. Living in sin and shame - though Christ has freed us from guilt - is a vicious cycle. The longer you hide in sin, the more difficult it is to step out and ask for help, making honesty about your life - my life - really the only way out.

Even from the secular point of view, dishonesty is almost always about self-preservation. It can be embarrassing to be forthright. This world isn't always forgiving, and it's a reasonable fear to think you might lose friends by being open about your past or your present. Fear of being hurt, fear of being alone and fear of shame cripple us, but I think that those who claim Christ as savior have less of an excuse.

Isn't it then about trust? As I mentioned before, I don't think that transparency is about displaying your past for all to see, but trusting God to handle your future and trusting God to handle your relationships (friends, family, etc.) is a major step. God often uses our neighbors as tools to bring healing, and being open with our walk also opens us up to God's ability to change us for the better. Lying, omitting the truth and being closed off does exactly the opposite.

With all that said, it's a mystery why I cling to my over-inflated self image. Maybe it's because I seem to think I'll only get places in life if people like me, instead of trusting God to open up opportunities for me. It's not pride, as I previously surmised, but fear. And the only way to conquer fear is faith.

Wait, faith is step two? Good golly.

The 12-step process: Sin as an addiction

I'd argue that addiction isn't just to alcohol, meth or coffee. You can get addicted to sin.

I caught myself, a few days back, driving home from work and looking down my nose at the drunkard who had only just stumbled from the bar down the street from my apartment.

It's a common occurrence with this man in particular, and every time I see him slowly making his way up the sidewalk to who knows where, I picture his life - filthy home, broken-down car, no money to speak of save the dollars spent on alcohol and an emptiness that comes from wasting a lifetime as a drunkard.

I picture those things, and pity the man.

"Thank you, Lord," I think to myself. "Thank you for blessing me and giving me the support and tools I needed to keep out of addiction to drugs and alcohol."

This afternoon, though, as I drove home from the office for lunch, the thought struck me that I am not so different.

After all, how similar are sin and alcoholism?

Take for example, an excerpt from the Alcoholics Anonymous' first step to recovery, but switch 'alcohol' with 'sin'.

"When sin begins to take control of a family, usually one of the first things to go is honesty. The sinner lies about how much he or she sins and those around them begin to cover for him as the problem progresses and they too become less than honest.

This cycle of lies and keeping secrets can go on for years and that in itself can create an atmosphere that actually causes the situation to deteriorate faster. Even the children get caught up in the lies. It's a family disease.

The family can become totally controlled by diseased thinking. Although the illusion of control may continue, their lives become unmanageable, because sin is really in control. It is cunning, baffling, and powerful."

Telling, isn't it? Now, I'll make it clear that once we accept the love of Christ, we are no longer bound by sin and it no longer has power over us. It's not really in control, and it becomes a choice, but at the point of acceptance of Christ, we should also accept and be honest that we are - or were - in fact, sinners.

Australian pastor Glen Scrivener, who has blogged extensively on the subject, puts it beautifully in his entry from 2010: Sin is addiction.

"Sin is a power over us that is disarmed and replaced by Christ," he says, arguing that the gospel of grace depends on the fact that we are helpless to escape sin without God's gift and Christ's sacrifice.

In that light, though the process of salvation begins with that admittance, we will never get to a point in our lives where we can function free of sin without the love and grace given to us on the cross.

Like a recovering alcoholic - they're never a 'former alcoholic,' but rather constantly in recovery - we will always rely on God to build and support us as we work to become more like him.

Yes, Christ gave us victory over sin, but we still live in a sin-ridden world and won't be free from temptation until we are with him in glory.

With that said, I want to start on a journey to apply the 12-step process to sin itself. I have my sinful habits which, when compared to the drunken man at the bar, begin to look a lot more like addiction than I'd ever seen them.

In the 12-step process, honesty is the first step to recovery and not surprisingly, it is the only way to build a foundation for a life in Christ. Honesty about past wrongdoings, honesty about current habits and honesty about future fears and insecurities NEED to be put on the table in some form or another in order to heal and allow Christ to chase out the lies and rebuild the truths about us.

It's uncomfortable for me. I've discovered my vanity over the last few months, and to admit wrongdoing regardless of the severity, would tarnish my self-projected image.
That's something that I'll have to work on as I think and meditate on this first step. How can I work on getting my pride out of the way?

Envy's hostile takeover

I've caught myself battling envy over the last few weeks.

And not wallowing or fixating on one certain subject, but noticing things here and there that others have, and wishing I had that same opportunity.

Wow, I wish I had an apartment like that. It'd be nice to get paid THAT much! I wonder what my life would be like with their schedule? I'd love to be in that good of shape.

It's somewhat fleeting, but the constant thoughts that parade through my head have begun to raise a few flags. As I see it, envy - which is to want for something that doesn't belong to you - is to throw our many blessings in God's face.

I have a good job that I enjoy. I have a comfortable place to live. I have my health (except my knees, they do not have my health), and I've been blessed with the ability to express myself with music. That's an awful lot, and it's only the beginning. It should have been the first thing on the list: I'm loved by the God of the universe.

That should trump everything else, and easily so. It's a sad realization of mine to discover how ungrateful I've been over the last few weeks, choosing to focus on the difficulties of life rather than to praise God for the ways I've been carried through the hard times.

Over the next few weeks, I'll make a concerted effort to remember and thank the Lord for a blessing of mine every time envy begins to creep back in. It won't just help my envious thoughts, it will direct my eyes upward and encourage me to dwell on the positive things.

I also hope to get back into writing, now that I've completed the move in to Scappoose. The office is just a mile away (instead of 40), and I'll have plenty of time to spare.

Grace and Peace.