Matthew 6:25 - The Quandary of the Ill at Ease

Doesn't entirely apply to me, I just like the newspaper-lady.

As long as I have been conscious of such things, I have struggled with body image. Even as far back as the fourth grade, when our class went to the community pool in Canby, I was overly self aware. That's age nine - I've had 13 years during which to simmer on the subject.

To put it quite simply, I never see my body as being good enough. This part is too round, this bit jiggles too much, this isn't quite the right length... and ever since then, I've looked at others around me with jealousy. Why were THEY gifted with a faster metabolism? or a stronger drive to keep themselves in perfect shape? Or athletic ability at a younger age?

I actually grew the beard to hide the chin,
but came to love it all on it's own. :)

Then I went through a major transformation during my senior year. I lost a lot of weight and grew an inch or two, ending my high school career on a physical high note. Unfortunately, that added something new to my psychological issues - amidst all of the silent self-deprecation, there now is pride. Now, it's a constant comparison on both sides of the spectrum. A sneer for one person, and a jealous glare for the next.

I've thought this topic over for years, and I come up with the usual things. Oh, you look just fine. Oh, God made you that way and blessed you with the way you are, why throw that away? Oh, the way your body looks doesn't matter in the end, it's the heart. Oh, just stop complaining - there are worse things than having a little extra weight. Oh, yes. Yes, I've heard it all.

And every time I see one of those little images all over facebook that talk about how YOU have the POWER to be anything you WANT, YOU are BEAUTIFUL for who you ARE, YOU don't have to be any DIFFERENT... I see those and fume, because either they're worthless, or I'm worthless at them.

And at this point, I'm somewhat at a loss. I don't need people's compliments - that just feeds the ego side. I don't need people's weight loss tips - that's like asking a fat lady how many months along she is. I need to fix my psyche somehow, and that's not something that can be done by changing my body. That's much more difficult. It's not just about thinking positive thoughts, there are wounds to heal - both from others and myself.

For now, I suppose, I'll take this verse home and to bed, but I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat and drink, nor about your body, what you put on. Is life not more important than food, and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25

Genesis 41:38 - A Lesson Learn'ed

Different bible character, but I love the movie regardless.

Update on the Job Search | Begin at the Beginning

Finally, progress! And not progress that I can simply dismiss as a natural progression over time - this is something that I can see!

Last week, I interviewed for a newspaper editor position, something that I didn't expect without first attaining my degree or at least working in the business. I felt confident leaving the interview, but received an email a few days later letting me know that I had been passed for the position (see previous post).

A few months ago, I would have melted down. I'd have been a mess for days, wallowing in my own perceived futility and sleepwalking through the rest of my mundane responsibilities. This time, however, things were different. After a few minutes of nursing my battered pride, I looked to LEARN something from my situation. The biggest lesson was that I need to make the most of what I have been given: namely, my job at Starbucks that I had chased after for so long.

In the last few months I've become disgruntled at where I work, both from the pressure of the high volume of customers and the realization that I need to have some sense of accomplishment in order to feel successful. That sense of accomplishment doesn't come from blowing through a line of customers' drinks, only to see another dozen lined up.

That said, Starbucks has been such a gift. Relatively speaking, I don't have much to complain about. I work in an air conditioned building serving coffee. I get plenty of free drinks, free pounds of coffee, and good health insurance in addition to having my bills paid. I've been able to afford a little apartment and I do much better than starving. I am able to afford my trip to San Francisco in a few weeks with money to spare... all things that I had forgotten because the work is hard sometimes, or I have to work a lot of hours.

In reality, this is a GIFT from GOD. My wanting of something more reeks of greed. That's not to say that wanting to step into sports journalism, where my pastime, passion and workplace run into one, but I need to take a lesson from Joseph and make a blessing out of wherever God places me. Joseph was thrown into slavery, and rose to take control of Potiphar's house with God's blessing. He was thrown in jail by Potiphar's hand, and rose to run the prison with God's blessing. He was left to rot by the advisers to Pharaoh, and rose to take command of the most powerful empire the world had ever seen - with God's blessing.

Now how measly does shining at Starbucks sound?

"So Pharaoh asked them 'Can we find anyone like this man, one in whom is the spirit of God?'" - Genesis 41:38

Psalm 37:5-7 - The Sting of Humility

I'll be honest and say that there are a lot of places in my life that I need to be humbled in. God has taken those places one by one and laid them bare: my home, my income, my car, my love life, my future... and now another idol: my career in journalism.

I recently applied for a position at a small community newspaper, the one in my home town of Molalla. In my eyes, I had everything to offer that the position called for. I am strong in my writing skills, I'm a solid photographer and I am good in design. I know what I'm doing when it comes to the area of sports journalism, and I take pride in that. I walked into the interview with a killer portfolio, dressed to impress, and walked out feeling as though I had rocked the socks off of the interview. Today, I received an email letting me know that I was not chosen.

Um, what? I thought this interview and job were a God thing, an open door that I was supposed to jump through. I thought that God had provided this - why the brief glimpse and then the let down?

Right now, I can't see that. Right now, I've just got to keep from putting my head back down and trodding on with my life in retail. Right now, I struggle with wanting to put myself out there just to be disappointed once more.

What I do know is how resounding my first thought was upon reading the email. What a humbling. Oh, what a painful humbling. A young, hot-shot journalist can't pick up a job at a tiny community newspaper? THAT is a God thing.

My lesson for the moment is this, though I'm shocked to the point of tears: my growth in the LORD outweighs anything I could ever do elsewhere. That is to be my focus.

"Depend on the Lord; trust him, and he will take care of you. Then your goodness will shine like the sun, and your fairness like the noonday sun. Wait and  trust the Lord. Don't be upset when others get rich or when someone else's plan succeeds." - Psalm 37:5-7

UPDATE:

I received a second email from the editor of the newspaper, letting me know that I was "top of the list" and a great candidate for the job, but lost out only because there were a few applicants that had more experience in an editor's position. How edifying is that! I have no degree, and no previous professional experience, yet I was a finalist in their search. Yet another blessing, and a reassurance from the Lord that I am headed in the right direction and that, in his time the Lord will move forward in the next step of his plan.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Psalm 51:10 - The Fight of the Futile

I have a beard-growing habit something horrible.

Bad habits suck. They really do. They suck away the motivation to change, they suck the energy needed to fight them, and they suck at the life of their host. They're parasites, really, and like strong addictions they are extremely difficult to kick.

In my case, I form habits extremely easily. I go the same way to work each day. I usually get the exact same drink from Starbucks each time. I shower in the same order every morning, and have to sleep with the radio on at night. Most of these are innocuous, but there are habits that aren't so harmless. Those are the ones that I spend my time battling against - the pride, the lies, the undertow of lust - and for this post, I wanted to record some thoughts about the war that rages on a daily basis. 

I'd much rather have him fight alongside.

The first thought is wonderment at how often I have my eyes downward, focused on each individual skirmish. My initial reaction, should I react at all, is to pull into a shell and think "no no no no" like a child that refuses to listen. While that might work here and there, I gain nothing from it in the long run. I don't really learn anything, and the battle begins anew the next time around from exactly the same place I started from. How much better off would I be if, when attacked and tempted, I lifted my eyes UPWARD and allowed the Lord to guide me? What if I allowed God to show me the entire war - the victories that were being won and the surge of the host of heaven! No more hunkering down and bracing myself, but instead looking to the Lord for deliverance. How then would each battle look? 

The second thought is that running from sin doesn't help either. If I drift in and out of drugs (which I don't, for the record), and decide to get clean, simply changing where I live or who I hang out with will only help for a short period of time. Eventually, whether it's with the same crowd or a brand new one, my sinful nature will find a way back into whatever I was doing beforehand. What is required (thanks Anna and Josh) isn't a change of scenery, it's a change of heart. If the heart remains the same, why should the body change it's habits? Cleaning the fridge of beer, throwing out the dirty magazines, deleting that person's number - it serves only as a bandaid for an open wound. It will last for a time, but bleed through. I need to be made new - heart, mind and soul - in order for those changes to take effect. 

Those two things, that we should look to the Lord for deliverance and for a rebuilding of our hearts, brings new depth to one of my favorite verses:

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit in me." - Psalm 51:10

Revelation 3:16 - The Cry of the Complacent

Solid Rock Downtown - The place to be at 8 p.m. on Sunday evenings in Portland.

Last week at the church I attend on Sunday evenings, I made my way up to the prayer room that is provided for people who need prayer, have questions, or simply want somebody to talk with. I had several things on my mind, and made the trip as much for prayer as for the chance to talk my thoughts out with a brother in Christ.

It just so happened that I met with Mike, the downtown pastor at Solid Rock, the body that has become my home over the last two years. I laid out several of the things that were on my heart: I still hadn't called the woman who had given me a business card out of the blue at work (view previous posting for context), I had been dragging my feet on starting a missional community in an area that God had presented to me, and a few others. Each instance being a time that the Lord had opened a door that either I refused to walk through, or walked through slow and late.

Over the course of several minutes of open, honest conversation, Mike said that I should look and try to find the root of why I hesitated to jump through the doors and windows that God had wide open in front of me. Was it fear? Pride? Did I feel undeserving? Or was it something else?

I told Mike that I would think and pray on it (which I have done, but it needs more work), but that initially, I know that one of my most common tenancies is to simply keep the status quo - doing what is necessary to keep things the way they are, and nothing more. I'm motivated by desperation more often than not, and things don't happen until the last minute, or won't happen at all if I don't see them as essential.

They call me a hipster, sometimes.

In that respect, it is complacency and a fear of disturbing the peace that seems to halt my response to God's promptings. That, mixed with the pride of thinking that it was my hard work that got me my current coffee-job, was what has stopped me from calling that woman. Having to change my schedule, talk to people in new ways, or take on a new role is what has stopped me from contacting the Missional Communities ministry leader. I might, might get into something uncomfortable.

While this complacency is a habit that needs changing in all areas of my life, there isn't any waiting to change it in respects to God. My sister has promised to make my life difficult if I haven't called the woman by Friday, and Mike directed me to the man in charge of the ministry, but moving forward in this battle with complacency is still very much a battle that I don't know how to win.

For now, it's baby steps. I'll call that lady tomorrow morning, and I am about to draft an email to the pastor at my church, but it's a problem that I'll need help in solving. Thoughts?

"So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:16

Proverbs 16:3 - Hiding from Omnipotence

Not much relevancy. Just... beard.

At church this morning, the preacher had an interesting point that I want to stick with me. He said that, should we wonder whether something is within God's will, see if we are comfortable asking for God's blessing. Obviously that doesn't always work, but it does force us to take the second and consider the motivations and consequences of things.

It's like asking permission from your parents to do something. If you feel like you have to change and twist the story of what you're about to do in order to make it sound ok and get approved, odds are you probably shouldn't be doing it. Or at least you'll get in trouble when you're found out.

Things work in a similar fashion with God. It's an extreme, but saying "Lord, please bless this robbery I'm about to attempt. May I not get shot and may I get away with loads of cash" makes so little sense it's ridiculous to ask. Instead, we ask God to provide money for us and just so happen to leave out that we plan on robbing the bank on the way home from church.

How to fix  that, then? It's our nature to hide our wrongdoings from God. Look at Adam and Eve - they ran and hid from God after they had sinned. Whether it's out of embarrassment or fear, we all do it. What is it that I need to change in order to reverse that habit?

I haven't put a whole lot of thought into the matter as of yet (part of my movement to blog in the moment), but initially, I think it's part of the sanctification process and an issue of trust. Hiding anything from anyone nearly always means that we're afraid of the reaction. Hiding a broken toy from mamma, concealing a stain in the carpet in a new apartment, hiding a little extra weight behind loose fitting clothing: it's all because the reaction might not be something we want.

Joseph followed after God, and he was made successful,
to God's glory. Also, his family kinda sucked.

It makes a little more sense to do that between humans, because not all humans are the same. They judge, they're unpredictable, some of us are downright mean spirited.

But God isn't.

The broken toy would get a timeout. The stain on the carpet would take money out of the security deposit, and the imperfect body depends on the person, but God isn't that way. Yes, there are consequences for our sins and our habits, but that doesn't change the fact that God LOVES us. That, coupled with the fact that God knows what we've done, what we continue to do, and where our hearts lie, takes away any and all reasons for dishonesty with God.

We'll have to deal with the consequences of what we do in this world, but being honest with God throughout the day and night, in constant conversation, goes a long ways toward preventing those mistakes that make us want to hide. In time, transparency (our mindset, at least) becomes the new norm, the new habit.

Today's life verse sums it up better than I could. Proverbs 16:3 says that if we put God in our heart and consult him on our plans, then our plans will be blessed. I'll most likely revisit this subject again, but for now I'll take this and treasure it:

"Turn to the Lord for help in everything you do, and you will be successful." - Proverbs 16:3 (ETRV)

Psalm 6:8 - The Voice of My Weeping

They had to cage me to shave me. That was definitely a low point.

I find it all to easy to ignore the issues that I struggle with or the problems that I've waded through and simply put them in a little box that has "solved" scribbled on the side. That is particularly easy because it's much more pleasant to remember the highs and the victories than it is to recall the low points that made each victory so sweet.

That means that I'll have to work at blogging in the present. Sure, it's good to look into the past, but it's also important to capture the feeling of the moment, as David often does in psalms. Some of the verses are nakedly honest, showing David's entire thought process.

Take Psalm 6, for example. David lays his heart out, displaying his fears, his tears, and his shortcomings. Then, as David often does, He turns his eyes to the Lord and takes hope. What an incredible example! It's ok to be bare-bones honest with God, He already knows your thoughts!

This honesty is definitely something that needs work in me, and there is no better time to start than the present.

About a month ago, basketball season was finishing for the athletic league that I worked for. Spring sports were on their way, and I was looking forward to another season, as well as a comfortable raise. I finally made a move on a precious little apartment. I'd be living cheaply, but it was something I could afford. Then, two days after signing the agreement, I was informed that my contract had run out two weeks previously, and that because of some serious money shortfalls, the league couldn't afford to keep me.

Much better.

I'm at work at my coffee shop with four hours left on my shift, I've lost my job and a major portion of my income, and I have an apartment I can't afford. It wasn't panic (close, but not quite) that set in, it was a deep and gripping fear and hints of doubt. Why would God give me a job and give me a raise, find me an apartment and then take it all away in an instant? Where would I live? What would I eat? I asked for nothing more than to finish my shift before I fell apart.

And not an hour later, I got my answer. A woman came up to the counter and, after taking her order, handed me a business card and told me to give her a call, that they might have a job in marketing and social media. I was speechless. I haven't called yet (I plan to), but I learned something invaluable that day. It's just as I posted on Facebook shortly after getting that fateful call: when the good Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

What I'll take with me from that experience is this: Just like when Abram moved everything he owned far away from the home that he knew for a reason he didn't know, trusting that God would provide for him, when the Lord tell me to jump, I have to trust that His hands will be there to catch me. That is even if and especially if the landing isn't clear.

"Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; the Lord hath heard the voice of my weeping." - Psalm 6:8