My fight with Facebook

     I've had a Facebook account for about five and a half years now. I built my profile just before going off to Bolivia in the late spring of 2008, and just after buying Djimii, my beloved djembe. My Facebook account is older than my oldest nephew Jonathan, and over the past five years it has been a platform for new friendships, the renewal of old relationships, and the construction of a much stronger and vaster network of contacts than I had in the past.

This little thing takes up the rest of my time.

     It's healthy, though, to take a step back once in a while.
     A typical day of mine begins with my phone ringing me awake. I stop the ringer (after 45 minutes or so) and check all the notifications I received while I slept. Once those are exhausted, I hop in the shower for a minute or two, and often check my phone the second I step out. I check it again after I'm dressed, and once or twice on the way to Starbucks before work.
     While waiting in line for my fancy latte, I might pull out the phone, but I'll certainly check it again at the first stop light I reach after leaving the cafe. and should it buzz or pop or jingle, back in my hand it goes.
     Wait, really?
     I haven't even gotten to work yet and I've looked at my phone - and especially Facebook - one, two, threeee.... seven times or more.
     For those of us who have smart phones, this habit becomes more or less part of our routine. Heck, I grew up without television and didn't have a phone until I was 21 years of age, and I still do it. For whatever reason, the need to be connected and immersed is desperate.
     Taking stock of my social media accounts - which I've noticed has become a twisted source of pride - I realize exactly how overwhelmed I've become, and something needs to change. I still want that tattoo I mentioned a few months back, but even a permanent marking isn't enough. It doesn't solve the problem.
     The issue, as I see it, is boundaries (thanks, Anna). If we - meaning I - fail to set boundaries, of course things like Facebook can overrun my life. It might sound like 'overrun' is a little bit of an exaggeration, but when it becomes difficult to ignore the little jingle or wait to check the flashing tab, there's a problem.
     I'm not sure how to solve it. I deactivated my Facebook for about a week so I could think about it's necessity, and I've settled on a few things.
Firstly, the Facebook app is staying off of my phone. That keeps me from constantly checking to see what new cat picture my friends have posted. Secondly, I know I need to look for something wholesome to take its place. Not another app, not Netflix (which is my downfall), but something productive and useful.
     Those options do nothing to fix the craving. They only bury the symptoms, and the dependence on connectivity will only continue to rot and fester unless I can put that want in a box and leave it there if need be. It has no power but what I give to it, and I've relinquished too much. That trend needs to be reigned in.
     I don't know what that looks like. I'll make excuses, I'm sure, but living a life where my relationships are built on face-to-face contact makes for a bright and desirable future, and it's that reality which I cling to.

Christ in Me

It is from an unusually emotional place that I finally return and continue to chronicle the events of the redemptive process.

This picture is because tumblr and wine. Don't judge.

These last few days have been an interesting challenge. An idol, long held with an iron fist, I finally left to the wind's devices and out of that has come a time of change and turmoil.

With a place in my internal hierarchy open, the struggle and goal is to place something positive into that hole - something that will create a base from which to move forward in every aspect of my life.

Part of that base is finally listening to the voice of reason, releasing my pride and giving ear to the heart of Christ. My life and my mind have for years been hamstrung by the lies of the evil one, and it's time to let the love of God replace those with his truth.

I'm not lazy, I'm not a coward. I don't shirk from tough situations. I am not the product of chance, simply put together by the way the chips fell.

But to take that even further, look at how each of those statements was phrased. It's about me. All about me, which is yet another lie I have allowed myself to believe.

Christ in me is not lazy. Christ in me is not a coward, and shrinks not from trying circumstances. I am not the product of mere happenstance, but of a longstanding gift of LOVE and the work of Christ in me.

There's a start. Yes, I have fallicies, but Christ in me does not. I no longer have need to hold on to the battles of the past - they are as far removed from me as the East is from the West. Because of Christ in me, I have the power to push past the things which have troubled me.

I am beginning to wonder if the very name of this blog speaks ill of what God's love does for those who accept it in it's fullness. The early idea was that I would write down my experiences so I could look back as the Lord took me from a broken, useless servant and made me into a bless'ed vessel, but could I be more wrong?

By accepting the love of Christ, are I not already blessed? Sanctification isn't taking something disheveled and transforming it by magic into something different. On the contrary. The redemptive process, in truth, is the walk of an already saved and beloved creature with his Creator, becoming ever more like the one whose Hands formed him from the beginning.

I would appreciate continued prayer on this matter, and for my dear brother in law Josh, who helped me to see a little light in this convoluted situation.

Note: For those who follow this blog and haven't heard from me personally (I deactivated my Facebook account, coinciding with the event I mention in the second graph), I will be moving to St. Helens, Oregon in the coming weeks. The move is to be closer to my job, which is based in Scappoose.

Hebrews 10:24-25: Oil and Water

   

'Cause yeh get this when you search for "fellowship" nowadays.

     So often, I'll step back, take a look at myself and frustratingly decide to change things. This happens every few months, and I make a little progress each time before falling back to the status quo.
     That sucks. A lot.
     And what's more is that I can SEE the steps I take each time, and I usually have little to no idea what led me off track. It either changes each time, or it is simply that - time. Fervor fades as new challenges arise, and that is something that few people can escape. We all do this, whether it's coming home from summer camp, or simply returning to our lives after church on Sunday.
     That sucks too. Because if we all do it, then why don't we all work together to SOLVE it? Doesn't the good book have guidance on this? Oh wait, it does. Yeah.
     Chew on this:
"24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." - Hebrews 10:24-25
     On the surface, that's church, right? Pot-lucks and Sunday school and a camping trip in the summertime? Sure. That stuff is great, but it needs to be deeper than that. You can live for decades in a church and remain as stagnant as you were when you walked in the door.
     According to the author of Hebrews (maybe Paul, maybe not) we should spend time pondering ways to STIR UP our brethren in Christ, and rejoice in their good works and growth! That can be a little uncomfortable.

Wait, you guys eat this stuff? Ew. 

     Complacency, stagnancy, "the status quo," being comfortable - compare that with a bottle of salad dressing for a minute here. If left sitting, all of the good things settle to the bottom, leaving just the oil on the top. Unless you want tasteless oil poured on your greens, you first have to stir up the bottle so that it can be used.
     We too are like that. If I am walking in sin - knowingly or unknowingly - shake me! If I live next to you and am vague about my relationship with Christ, shake me! I don't WANT to be complacent and comfortable. I want to be surrounded and immersed with the positives, so that the whims of the evil one have no hold on me.
     You want to solve the periods in your life when your spiritual high falls by the wayside? THAT is how. Allow yourself to be shaken. ASK to be shaken, and in turn be willing to step out and do the same.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.

Sometimes, I feel the need to disconnect.
But I'll get to that later.

Being honest right off the bat, these last two months have been awesome on the job. Spiritually, I can't say the same. As much energy and vibrance as graces my new career, my walk with the Lord is equally stagnant. How can something so important and so rooted in my heart get put on pause? How can I drift so easily? Why is it so difficult to repent - again - and reinvigorate my relationship?

Ugh. I've been asking these things for some time now. About a month ago, I took an early morning walk up to a new, secret place and had an excellent time of reflection and prayer. During that time I asked God to be so SO present in my life, that He would be impossible to ignore. And oh, how He has answered that prayer in ways I couldn't imagine.

What the last few months have shown me, in reflection, is that no matter how far I run, no matter how hard I try to hide, I can never escape the love of God. Never. At every turn and in each passing moment, God's presence becomes so threaded into my day that I have to actively work to shut it out. It's a constant reminder - I'm here, I'm here... 

It makes it more powerful that the Lord chose to love me in the first place. I'm not a particularly patient person, and I can't speak much to how many chances I would give were the places switched. Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven. Endless, depthless, ceaseless forgiveness. I understand that a little better now. If God has been faithful to forgive my transgressions, then surely he will be faithful as we walk forward.

I want to focus on where to go next. That's my nature, to look ahead (I write previews for sporting events each week) and figure out what path to take and how to move on from here. This time, I think I'll leave that be. My head understands that I can't run, but does my heart know it? This morning we sang "Create in me a clean heart, O God." Yes, please. This one isn't any good.

I need to bask in this forgiveness, and let it sink in.

For, prone to wander, Lord, I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love! Take my heart, Lord take and seal it. Seal it for Thy throne above.

The Sigh and Song of Solomon

Russet the she-kitten enjoys my shoulders immensely.

I've reminded myself of Solomon plenty of times over the past few months.

Maybe if I get my own place I'll find fulfillment. Once I get a job I really enjoy that makes me more money, I'll be happy. I just need to eat dinner, or take a long shower, or have a girlfriend or get a kitten (the two may be interchangeable) and I'll be out of the doldrums. The thing is, I've done all that stuff, minus the girlfriend bit, and I haven't suddenly been filled with joy and had all the paths in my life straitened out. Even with little Russet the kitten laying upside down and aggressively licking my elbow, life still doesn't make sense. There are still hardships and loneliness and difficult days and weeks and months.

You see, Solomon tried the same thing. He filled a palace with riches, was the smartest and most powerful man in the world, and had (count them) hundreds of wives. And just as Solomon discovered, none of that changes apart from the Lord. All of the things I listed for myself - and most of them are good things to want - will fade in time, leaving only the bare bones of whatever it was I started with.

Now is time for a much bigger step in the Redemptive Process. I tire of all the quick, temporary fixes to the aching in my heart. It's not about switching up my diet or adding a precious pet to my life, it's about reinventing my world view. It's about simply spending time with the Lord who created me and bonding my heart to his so that I won't stray as I do.

As for solutions, I'll pray and wait patiently. Several that immediately come to mind are obvious. More time in the word being the number one, as well as finding an older and wiser man of God that I can walk with and be accountable to in every facet of my life. Someone that is comfortable making me UNcomfortable, which I have been craving these past months especially.

It's time to break out of the routine. It's time to take off the bandaid and let the gaping wounds heal. It's time to step forward.

This Next Stage - The Newsman

Welcome to Scappoose. The nearest Starbucks is 8 miles.

Many of you who follow me on Facebook already know about the blessing I received a week ago. To sum the last few days' events up in short, I was hired as the sports editor of the Spotlight, a small but successful weekly newspaper in Scappoose, Oregon. I'll be doing all of the writing, photography and design for the section - and yes, I'll make the hour commute from Oregon City five days a week.

With all the wildness that has ensued, it's been hard to wrap my mind around exactly what is happening. In some recent posts, I talked about an opportunity that it seemed God had placed in my hands to minister to the Parkrose area as well as the lessons learned from my missing out on the job with the Molalla Pioneer. Now in hindsight, I can see how some of those things line up to point me in the direction I'm going now.

The interview with the Pioneer gave me much more than valuable experience in a real interview situation, it served to show me that my skills were valued and validated my dream of becoming a journalist.  Especially when it was that very interview that ended up placing me in front of the publisher of the Spotlight, what proof that I was walking the right path!

With Starbucks, things aren't quite so clear. One of the reasons that I hesitated on the new job was because I wondered if the open door in Parkrose was the one I was supposed to take. While I can clearly see that my current situation is a total God-thing, I can't help but worry that I'm missing out on something that God presented to me. Though I can see that the transfer plans helped make leaving Starbucks easier, the timing of that presentation doesn't entirely make sense. In time, I suppose.

Time brings me to my last thought. This is a new city, a new job and new people. Where does the path of Christ lead me? As a journalist, I'll have the chance for a much larger voice than I do now, but how to use it? Something that I'll definitely mull over in the coming days before I start.

Earth Downs: How hard I fight

Lately, the strongest thought on my heart has been my constant battle against sin. It seems like every moment is spent thinking about how to battle the next temptation or how to rid my daily life of things that can drag me down. I pour energy into walking a spiritual tightrope, as though to reach the other side unscathed.

What I wonder is this: Is that fight a lack of trust in God? Let me break that down.

For years, and much more consciously over the last few months, sin has been a struggle. When one thing appears conquered, another springs up to take it's place. The arrows of the evil one come from every direction, and no matter what defense I put up, no matter how hard I fight,  they eventually break me down. That's the thing, though. What defense *I* put up. How hard *I* fight. Where is God in this? Are my personal battles evidence that I don't put trust in God to carry me through trials and temptations? Should I have to frantically cry for a savior every time the enemy approaches me?

All those things can be addressed in one swoop. Why not, as I have talked about in previous posts, make every attempt to fill my heart with love for the Lord? When I push and fight sin out of my life, all it does is create a vacuum  that has to be filled with SOMEthing. More often than not that space is filled with more of what I just finished clearing out. If I work to fill my heart, mind and soul with Christ, then there is no room for anything else!

The concept is simple. The application is simple. The first steps are usually simple. The hard part is the follow through. For those friends that read and support me in the redemptive process, feel free to check in - both to share your own experiences, and to hold my feet to the fire in my quest.